A friendly city where the streets are clean, the people are friendly, and the fear of god is maintained by worshipping a god of fear. Welcome to Saikon Chok.
Hello, listeners. It’s the hour of the turtle, and you know what that means: it’s time for the daily godcast. Tonight’s godcast is brought to you by the awesome power of our lord Xui Khan, who’s blessed me with the ability to beam my voice directly into your minds. So if you’ve got a spare moment right now—and you do, we cleared your schedule—bow your head and give praise to Xui Khan. Xui Khan: “He became a god by tearing out another dragon’s heart and eating it in front of his very eyes!”
The priesthood is working on the slogan. Sorry, we Mizu Crusaders are all kind of new at this.
Well, listeners, it’s been an absolute ride since we sailed into town and broke the chains binding you to the storm goddess Lo Shen. Food has been plentiful for productive citizens capable of supporting themselves under our mandated peacetime premium pricing. The incendiary removal of individual homes has encouraged the community to grow closer than ever before. And literacy is up five percent, thanks to the stringent penalties enforced upon those who can’t read our signs. Yes, things are looking up here in Saikon Chok for everyone. Everyone. Everyone.
A dangerous party of five bandits was apprehended outside the city limits last night. The bandits, who were completely unrelated to the five bandits that attacked the tower garrison the day before, were swiftly brought to justice at the hands of six of Xui Khan’s finest. The bandits are all dead, and all our soldiers are absolutely unharmed and untarnished, because Xui Khan has made us all invincible. Witnesses to the incident are encouraged to come forward, so that they and the faith militant can compare notes. You know, just to be sure.
Local community pillar Inferno Genenji reports that he and his Inferno Men have come one step closer to eradicating the dangerous criminal elements in the Flood District. Inferno Genenji, who earned his nickname because of how brightly he burns in service to others, has been waging a war against the Zi Tongs and their dastardly but nevertheless very handsome leader, Dagato the Phoenix. Well, Genenji, if you’re listening—oh, who am I kidding? Of course you’re listening!—we’d just like to say: keep fighting the good fight out there. We in the Upper City are proud of you.
A local prankster put a party of guards in near danger this morning. The five guards, returning from a nighttime patrol in the woods, did not realize that an enchanted rock had been slipped into their gear. When they passed through the gates, they tripped the magic-detecting field that’s been put into place for the protection and comfort of you, our dear listeners. Fortunately, one of the guards, whose accent was unusual for a Mizu Crusader, defused the situation with some quick thinking. He and his four companions, who as guards have absolutely no connection with the party of five bandits that were definitely killed last night, were described as “dashing,” “heroic,” and in one particular case, “scaly.” When asked to identify their unit, the guard with the accent said, “I got your unit right here.” Truly, he is a hero to Xui Khan.
A reminder from the Shogun Ryu to please pardon the nightly chanting that fills the air and chills the breath in your lungs as it pays homage to a dark and unforgiving god. “We appreciate the patience citizens have shown with our reconsecration ritual,” the Shogun said, seated atop a metaphorical throne forged from the equally metaphorical bones of his enemies. “This is a necessary step in making Saikon Chok all it can be, instead of all it is.” Shogun Ryu then stared out at the city within his metaphorical iron grip, closed one eye, and pretended to grasp the city in his literal iron grip.
Bad news, listeners. Noted terrorist organization Valiant has struck again, this time meddling in a municipal execution. Though ordinary citizens turned out in their finest clothes to mingle with their neighbors and watch the unfaithful taste the sharpness of our steel, what should’ve been a fun outing for all was ruined by the intervention of Valiant and their leader, Kagame.
Incidentally, we must retract our previous story, in which we reported that Kagame had been killed in single combat with First Paladin Amenji, when he had run her through with his blade and then kicked her into a large crate full of fire ants. We now understand that these events did not transpire as described, or at all, and we regret this oversight.
In addition to her normal cohorts, Kagame was joined on the field by five new warriors, including one who was large and scaly, and a masked man who could be heard shouting in a strange accent, “I knew it was a trap! We’re all gonna die!” Before he could say more, one of your noble public servants ran him through with a blade and kicked him into a large crate full of fire ants. He is dead now.
Though Kagame and Valiant tried to run, they found themselves cornered thanks to the brilliant strategies and maneuvering of First Paladin Amenji. With nowhere to run, Kagame and her disciples attempted a last stand, only for every last one of them to be cut down like dogs right next to an alley full of angry dogs. I repeat: Kagame is dead, as are her followers, including the five new ones that in no way bear any relation to the five guards menaced by an illusion-casting rock this morning. And that’s certainly a story we won’t need to retract anytime soon.
And finally listeners, tonight I wanted to share a special message not to the good citizens of Saikon Chok, but to the rest. You know who you are. And if you don’t know who you are, I’m referring to the Free People of Saikon Chok, the Wave Faith, the Dragon League, Maisanda’s Ronin, and the roustabouts of Xianji Alley. You’re the rest. If you are a good citizen, I encourage you to hum something catchy for the next few seconds or so. These words are not for you.
Are you humming? Good.
Then to the rest, I say: go ahead. Keep fighting. We’re almost done here. And as I remind you each night, it’s already too late.
That does it for tonight’s godcast, dear listeners. Stay tuned next for chanting that fills the air and chills the breath in your lungs as it pays homage to a dark and unforgiving god. And as always: good night, listeners. Good night.